Who We Were and Who We Became
by ShiftWithTheWind
Summary: One night, during Erwin and Levi's younger years in the Survey Corps, they get on the wrong side of the Military Police. "That night, Levi and I lost everything short of our lives, and became scarred ghosts of who we were." Rated M for dark content and trigger warnings.
1. Who We Were

**A/N**

**Reader discretion advised. I rated this story M for dark, adult content and a scene depicting sexual violence in Part Two.**

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PART ONE: WHO WE WERE

* * *

In the year 842, I found the strongest, most notorious fighter in the criminal world and placed him in the service of the King. Many marveled that I had achieved such a feat, and many more had their doubts.

"Tell me, Captain Erwin, why did you recruit Mr. Levi for the Survey Corps?" the wheezy, old inspector droned. His sagging eyes were glued to the paperwork in his hands.

I cleared my throat and pulled at my collar. It was suffocating in that dust-choked office. "Inspector, he demonstrated potential and so far he's proven highly skilled..."

"Yes, yes, very skilled, but why? Why a, a, a deviant, one of the Underground's most dangerous?"

I frowned and studied the man's face, which reminded me of melting, mottled candle wax. We stared at one another pensively for a few seconds. "The Underground is precisely what honed his skills, Inspector, skills I know can be of great use to humanity," I said.

"You trust him?"

Dubious was his middle name. I gave him my most reassuring look. "Absolutely."

"Why?"

"For many reasons. One that stands out would be how he saved my life when we first met. The details are in the report, if you'll look..."

"Oh yes, yes," he mumbled through his waxy mustache. "It also says in here that he's had, quote, 'problems adjusting.' What does that mean?"

I clasped my hands together in front of me and put on a courteous smile.

"Nothing serious, Inspector."

That wasn't the first time I lied in the chain of command and certainly wouldn't be the last.

* * *

MAY, 842

* * *

When I brought Levi to the barracks on his first day of service, he immediately claimed his bed of choice…from the unfortunate cadet who'd had it for the past three months. The scuffle barely took five seconds. Levi dropped his things, the bed's owner rose to protest, and then went down again clutching his groin and bawling.

"Baby." Levi smirked, lying on the bed and crossing his legs.

"Levi, you aren't in the streets anymore. There are rules of conduct here." I walked to the bed and stood there, my formidable height shading him.

Swiftly he got up. "Right." He looked down at the man he'd injured. "I want this bed," he said, casually planting his foot on the man's back. "May I please have it?"

"Take it!" said the cadet, a regular muscle-flexer I'd seen pick on greenhorns for fun. "Take anything!"

With that, Levi found his place in the army, and I developed a habit of rubbing my temples whenever I heard Commander Shadis bark his name.

* * *

JULY, 842

* * *

"CADET LEVI!" Shadis yelled, dark-rimmed eyes popping as he looked around the mess hall. Bottles and cracked mugs littered the beer-sloshed floor. Barely conscious bodies were strewn over the flipped tables and chairs. Someone moaned a curse, and another sneezed through a bloody nose. At the center of the pile, Levi casually sat on the faintly moving rump of the biggest man of the bunch. He held a cloth to his bleeding forehead, grinning at the Commander.

"What happened?" I asked.

Levi leaned back comfortably on his human throne and looked us both dead in the eye.

"I had nothing to do with it," he said.

Shadis stood speechless and I let out a weak groan, palming my face.

SIX HOURS LATER

I watched as Levi mopped up the last dregs of beer from the floor. The silence between us seethed until my anger boiled up and out of my mouth.

"This has to stop. This…pleasure you take in being difficult is beyond childish."

Levi kicked the soap bucket; it was a light tap but the clatter made me flinch. He leaned on the stick of his mop and looked at me. "You're getting dirt on my floor."

"My boots are clean."

"Did you get a greenhorn to lick them for you?"

I closed in, my gaze piercing him like a grapple hook through plaster. "You're picking a fight with _me_ now, your friend?"

He backed out of my shadow and his mop vigorously wiped the spotless floor. "What do you want? Another public apology? Should I send flowers, say prayers, light a fucking candle? What can I do this time to calm the shitstorm?"

He spread his arms and slightly bent forward in a show of submissive grace. I only stared at him. His mocking gesture combined with the smug, small smile on his lips utterly disgusted me. In that moment, I truly thought this man would never be of service to humanity.

My shoes squeaked on the wet floor as I strode to his side. "Everyone knows how good you are, the best."

"I know." He devoured the flattery. "What did I tell you when we first met? You remember what I said?"

"I do, I remember exactly."

"Then there's nothing left to say."

"What you said," I hissed in his face, "Amounts to nothing if the only person you serve is yourself. You're a selfish bastard, Levi. You may excel in skill and surpass your peers, surpass even me. But if you fail as a soldier..." I turned and marched for the door, "...you fail humanity."

I heard the mop hit the floor and skid across the slippery surface. "Hey," Levi jeered, and his voice banged against my aching head. "That's me in a nutshell - Humanity's Greatest Failure!"

* * *

JANUARY, 843

* * *

I could tell by the way Levi looked at some of the women cadets that he had slept with them. How he could attract mosquitoes, let alone the fairer sex was beyond my comprehension. I never believed for a moment that he forced himself on them. I only ever saw girls return sweet and desiring smiles to his gaze. All his affairs were brief and harmless, far as anyone knew. He was a strictly discrete lover and never fooled around on duty.

One rainy afternoon, the mess hall's crowded noise gave me a headache and I decided to take my meal to the barracks. I entered to see Levi in bed, entangled with a freckled brunette twice his size. She was all muscle, and could snap his limber body between her pulsing hips.

"Holy Rose." I slammed the door on the scene, cleansing my brain of the image.

A minute later she came out, hastily dressed and shining with perspiration. "Captain..." She stifled a smile and saluted.

Silently I handed her my plate of food. She was no doubt hungry after such passionate...activity...and for some reason I'd lost my appetite. With embarrassed thanks, she took her meal and dashed off to the mess hall.

I waited a few more minutes for Levi. He came out dressed in fresh clothes, hair combed and the faintest glow in his cheeks.

I sniffed. "You're wearing perfume."

He smirked. "Smells like shit in there," he said, folding his arms and leaning nonchalantly against the door. I imagined kicking him through it.

"A quick reminder, Levi," I said dryly as I turned to go. "Your first expedition is in a few weeks. I should hate to see Cadet Dreyer lose her little playmate to a Titan."

"Tch," Levi scoffed. "I'll die laughing at your shitty jokes first."

* * *

FEBRUARY, 843

* * *

A soldier's first Titan kill changes him. Sometimes I see elation, other times tears and shock. Always I see the face of a man who finally understands how small he is next to these monsters that plague our race.

Burning blood splashed Levi's blades and he nimbly landed on the Titan's fallen husk. Dropping expertly next to him, I gauged his face. I would forever remember what I saw. No fear, no shock, not even the teeth-gritting wrath I knew we all shared for Titankind. All I saw in his ash-grey eyes was sheer contempt. He looked at the disintegrating corpse and then checked the sole of his boot, expecting to find chunks of sticky, steaming flesh.

"Gross," he said.

"This Titan has pieces of our comrades in its stomach, and that's all you have to say?" I asked, bristling.

He doubled over and retched, much to my distorted satisfaction.

Sundown baptized us in a crimson haze. We scoured the battlefield for the dead, while miserable silence clamped our throats like choking chains. Only quiet weeping leaked out and my face was as wet as any other man's. My young heart beat softly, and I could never see death as honorable, or Maria forbid, a necessary statistic. It would be many more missions before its crushing blow ceased to rattle me to tears.

That day, the day he first fought on the field, I never heard so much as a sniffle from Levi.

Gently I placed another body in the expanding row. Though numbed from stupor, I caught Levi in the corner of my vision. He'd partly unwrapped a body at the end of the row and his hands were ripping at the blood-stained uniform.

Bile spurted up into my mouth and my vision blurred as I staggered over to him.

"Have you no respect even for _the dead?_" I snarled, hoisting him up by his cravat.

He yanked my arm tight and chopped the inside of my elbow. The pain cracked hard as a bullet and with a cry I dropped him. As he somersaulted to his feet I managed to catch hold of his neck and punch him in the mouth. His feather-light body hit the ground, 3DMG clanging on impact.

"Get out of my sight," I growled, clutching my throbbing elbow.

"A corpse is just a corpse." Levi sat up, black bangs hiding his eyes. "And most of these are half-eaten. There's barely anything left to respect."

"We _must_ respect what's left." I glowered down at him. "For the sake of their families." Turning, my eyes brushed over his hands and saw a flash of blue and white thread. "What have you got there? Open your fist."

He didn't budge. I dropped down beside him, seized his wrist and stared as his fingers splayed open. In his palm lay a frayed, stained insignia patch, torn from a Survey Corps jacket. My shocked gaze moved to the bulging handkerchief inside his vest and I grabbed it. The white silk fluttered and a dozen insignia patches cascaded out. Both our laps were covered in the shredded, bloody Wings of Freedom.

"Levi..." I breathed.

He wouldn't look at me as he hastily picked them all up. I thought I heard the faintest crack in his voice.

"I need these to remember them."

That moment lingered in my mind weeks afterward. It astounded me how deep Levi's feelings for others could go.

As his battles mounted, those feelings began to churn and rage to the surface. He cut down Titans with inhuman ferocity, spin-slicing through their flesh like a whirlwind. Hours after the blood evaporated from his hands, his fists still clenched in fury.

* * *

AUGUST, 843

* * *

"This is for taking my son away from me, you damned, crazy bloodhounds!" The rotting, caved-in tomato splatted my back and tepid juices soaked through my cape.

Another naysayer. There were always a few in the homecoming crowds, most of them grieving, bitter relatives of our lost comrades.

I cringed, tensing for action. It wasn't the thrown food that scared me, (thank Rose it was just a tomato) but rather the sound of Levi rearing his horse. He broke formation and scattered the crowd. Gracefully dismounting in a single bound, he rushed on the heckler. It was a pot-bellied merchant man with a waxed goatee.

His beady eyes flew wide open as the five-foot-three human cyclone shot straight for him. "Hey! How dare you! Stop, by Maria, _stop I say!_"

Levi caught him by his goatee and pinned him smack into the nearest wall. Bystanders stepped back several yards, staring. I navigated through them on my horse as quickly as I could.

"How...dare...!" the merchant choked.

"You should look up the meaning of sacrifice, you fat swine." Levi's voice could cut the Wall in half.

"Levi!" I nudged my steed up beside my subordinate. "You're out of line. Release him, now."

He did so without a word and made to retrieve his horse. I cut in front of him and extended a hand. I wanted him to ride with me for his own protection. His outburst had drawn plenty of ugly looks and the merchant was cursing us by every god he knew, promising retribution.

We left the booing crowd behind. Levi sat in the front of the saddle, his back ramrod stiff against my chest.

"They're all shit-brained hypocrites," he spat.

"Who we must forever protect and serve," I said quietly, and clicked the horse into a trot. At the time, I thought the juice stains on my cape and a mild reprieve from Shadis would be all that came of this incident.

I never imagined it would lead to an unspeakable act on a liquor-hazed night, less than a week later. That night, Levi and I lost everything short of our lives, and became scarred ghosts of who we were.

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**A/N**

**Thanks for reading. Reviews, follows and favorites are appreciated. To be continued.  
**

**Sarah**


	2. What They Did

**A/N**

**Trigger warnings - graphic physical and sexual violence, read at your own discretion.**

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PART TWO: WHAT THEY DID

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"To Cadet Dreyer," I said somberly, raising my drink.

"Her name was Liesel." Levi's fingertips gripped the rim of his glass.

I nodded. "She had the heart of a true soldier."

"And the body of a goddess."

Two glasses. I slowly blinked, unsurprised. Just two glasses down, and my light-weight friend was completely indisposed. With a sigh, I set my drink on the polished-oak table and pretended to admire our surroundings. Rarely crowded, Weinberg's pub had a rustic, dim-lit interior and close-spaced furniture. It was perfect for attracting men who wanted to drink in peace. Levi and I typically took a night off on the weekend after a mission, and I was accustomed to numbing the pain of loss with a frothy pint of Weinberg's finest.

I was _not_ accustomed to Levi drowning in a pitiful puddle of alcohol. I looked down disapprovingly at his slouched posture and red-tinged eyes.

"I thought you didn't drink."

"I thought you weren't stupid. I drink all the time." His middle finger lazily spiraled into the bottom of his glass.

"Black tea, you drink black tea, Levi," I said with careful, long-practiced patience. I scanned the room for a server. "How about I order you a cup..."

"She acted too recklessly." Levi narrowed his glazed eyes. "Or maybe it was me. I led the attack. She followed, like an idiot..."

"Let's call it an early night and head home, alright?" I said, standing and tossing a couple of coins on the table.

"Mmph. Bossy shit." Levi got up and swayed slightly. "I'll escort you. You're...in no state to walk home alone." A tiny sound popped out of him and he staggered. Pausing, I couldn't help but chuckle; one of the most deadly men I knew had just hiccuped, with all the gusto of a woozy kitten.

I directed us towards the door. "Who would have thought you ca..." I stopped, grip tightening on my friend as three figures in uniform walked into the pub.

"Officers," I greeted cautiously, noting the emerald unicorns emblazoned on their jackets. I didn't understand why Military Police would show up at a Shinganshina pub, but I suspected it wasn't for drinks.

They stepped into the light and I took in their unsmiling faces. The larger two had square jaws, Aryan features and cold but clearly empty-headed expressions. They flanked a middle-aged third man, no doubt their leader. He had some paunch under his belt and a greasy haircut that failed to mask his receding hairline. I found something off about his face, with its double-chin, prickly stubble and beetle-black eyes; the look didn't suit a soldier. Neither did the way he talked - coaxing, laid back and more mumble than speech.

"You eh, Erwin Smith, that right?" He squinted at me and shuffled in his coat for a pack of cigarettes. He jiggled a stick out and the sound stung the hushed pub.

I steadily met his gaze. "That's me. Sorry, who are you? I don't recognize you or your two friends."

"Really?" He chuckled. "Ahh, never mind. You don't need to know who we are, just that we're here to settle some trouble."

"Trouble?"

"Seems someone fitting your little friend's description attacked Mr. Hoff."

Striking a match, the officer gestured at Levi, who glared sullenly back. I instinctively side-stepped in front of my friend as the soldiers edged closer.

"Mr. Hoff?" I asked, memory kicking back to the tomato-throwing merchant.

"There's a pretty big fine for that kind of trouble, you see?" The cigarette tip flared bright in the leader's dark eyes.

I just blinked, keeping my statuesque calm in check. No one moved. Somewhere in the room, ice chinked and floated to the top of a full glass.

"Oy, Erwin," Levi drawled, "You know what you call a thieving scumbag in uniform? A thieving scumbag." His mouth spread into a vicious, mirthless grin. "Wearing a shit disguise."

I froze. Three pairs of eyes became slits and knuckles popped. The two biggest rushed in before I could do more than raise my hands in protest.

"Wait!"

One of them chopped his arm into my neck, sending me several steps sideways. Next second he was on top of Levi, who didn't even move. CRACK! My friend's head whipped back as it took a punch to the jaw and then he was jerked forward by his cravat. His back smacked wood as he was slammed on the table top. Flatware scattered and slid in all directions, smashing to the floor.

The other brute grabbed me up by my cape. "Wait!" I gasped. "This doesn't have to get ugly!"

"Hold the fuckers still," the leader said, absently scratching his stubble.

The table wobbled as Levi thrashed and managed to kick his assailant in the teeth. "Fuck!" the officer spat and Levi's legs flailed as he was spun around.

"Haha!" he snarled through saliva and blood. "This is assault." The back of his head banged the table rim and another plate shattered to the ground. "Tchhh, and property damage. Big-ass fine for this kind of trouble."

Growling, the officer wrapped sausage-sized fingers around Levi's throat. I felt my own windpipe constrict in fear.

"Stop this at once! We can pay." I grabbed my coin purse from my belt and held it up.

Smiling, the leader flicked ash from his cigarette and reached to take the money. Light caught the brass ring on his finger, gleaming. The moment slowed as the man's filthy hand clasped my purse and I heard Levi's gasp for air.

Two words spilled from his mouth like beer splashing me in the face.

"Riley Seever?"

Levi looked at the man, and at the other two, recognition shining in his swollen eyes. "Ross. Killik. Haha..." He swallowed a glob of bloody spit. "I know sewer scum when I see it."

The leader, Seever, drew a night stick from his belt. One deft swing and Levi fell limp.

The room blurred, my senses and adrenaline surging out of control. I damned Levi. Hands seized my limbs and I saw red. I damned Levi's mouth as my head reeled, thoughts shredding apart. I damned these so-called soldiers, whose hands smelled of tobacco and breath reeked of cheap rum. Iron-tipped boots kicked my kneecaps and as I buckled under my own weight, I damned myself.

"Bastards!" I tried to shout before a gag was stuffed through my teeth and black cloth swallowed my head.

* * *

Slowly, my disoriented conscious picked up little things - my own deep breathing, the clomp of my captors' boots, and the groan of a large door sliding open. Musty heat enveloped me and I crossed a threshold, touching wood and crunching what felt like some sort of grain underfoot. The whole world shook and pain jolted my temple as I was roughly thrown on a pile of sacks. Someone slung the door closed with a heavy, rattling boom.

The hood came off and I squinted in the blinding light. It was a lantern, swinging crazily from the ceiling. Large silhouettes loomed before me. I scrambled to clear my head and peer through the shifting shadows for the one that mattered. "Levi, are you-!"

One of them clouted my jaw and I saw red spots. Blearily, I made out Seever's swaggering figure, carrying my friend. They hadn't even bothered to tie him up. The drinking had made him that helpless.

My stomach churned and I tried to get up, but Killik and Ross forced me down. My face was mushed into the sack pile and grainy powder smeared my cheek. I clung to bags of rice, realizing where we were. It was a storehouse, no doubt belonging to the esteemed Mr. Hoff.

Levi grunted as he was shoved down, palms scraping the filthy floor. He rolled over on his back, panting. "Revenge and liquor," he huffed. "Makes for a shitty drink."

Seever chuckled and planted his boot on Levi's crotch. Levi lay still, not making a sound. His old acquaintance knelt lower, getting in his face. "I'm glad you remember, hotshot. I put, eh, I put a lot of effort into this, with the uniform and the little show at the bar, you know?" He sniffed and rubbed his nose, pursing his lips in contemplation. "You're a right little shit, you know that?"

Heart beating fast, I tried to sit up. "Whatever quarrel you have with him-!" I was easily slammed back down on my chest and socked in the gut for my effort. Spittle burst from my mouth and I sucked in a gasp of hot, stale air.

"Not just him, blondie," Seever murmured, before looking back down. He dug his boot even deeper between Levi's legs. "How long ago was it, eh, maybe just over a year now?"

Levi stretched, cradling his arms under his head, like he was lying down for a nap. Contempt curdled his voice. "You still haven't washed since then."

Seever backhanded him. Smack! "And you haven't grown an inch, half-pint."

Ross and Killik laughed as Levi gingerly thumbed a trickle of blood from his lip, where Seever's ring had cut him. He stared up at the man, an intense glare flashing in his metallic eyes.

Teeth clenched, I managed to sit up and brandished my voice. "I don't know you, any of you. But you clearly know who we are. Consider, consider very hard what will happen if you commit murder here."

I met Seever's gaze and the look in his eyes unsettled me - mildly impressed, like he'd seen a dog do a trick. His honey-coated voice rose in pitch slightly. "Who said anything about killing anyone, eh? No-no-no, that ain't for me." He looked thoughtful. "Even if it was, we weren't paid enough to snuff you out. No, this..." a smile touched his chubby jowl and he snagged his fingers in Levi's hair. He yanked on the scalp and Levi hitched, pain flitting across his expression.

"This is what you might call a lesson," Seever said softly. "Listen close, runt. What was it you said to me, eh, let me think. You said...pain's the most effective kind of discipline, that about right?"

I saw the three of them had their night sticks drawn, twitching in their eager fingers.

Levi paled and his steel eyes lost their shine.

"Shit," he said.

Seever cracked him across the face with his night stick.

"NO-!" I cried and a black and purple flash seared my vision. Ross and Killik came down on me both at once, flooring me with blows. My bloody spit splashed the rice bags. Panicked breaths and angry grunting filled my ears. A shattering strike to my hand left my knuckles stinging in agony. My back got the worst, pummeled until my spine felt like a roasting fork skewering my torso. I was hefted to my feet and they hammered at my stomach. After about a dozen brutal punches, I buckled and threw up.

"Aghh, sick!"

"H-h-hm-hm." Seever's laugh sounded like the grunt of a lazy pig after a big meal.

"Taste that shit, you big fuck!"

I gasped as they grabbed my hair and flung my face down, rubbing it in my own vomit. I nearly retched a second time.

The mind does drastic things when the body's being beaten senseless. Memories and voices came upon me in crashing waves. Everything crashed. The seconds in between filled with a rush of terror as I realized the next hit was coming and I couldn't escape it. The terror rose and it rose and then CRACK, I was down again, fresh tears streaming down my face.

"Help me, help, help! Please help me!" I screamed, curling up under the hailing hits. Saliva and blood drowned my tongue; I could barely enunciate."Le-Lev-! Help m-! Ple-! LEVI! HEL-!"

Levi didn't answer.

_Erwin!_ Someone else's voice suddenly flooded my head - tired, scolding, yet full of yearning for my attention._ Erwin! What kind of boy are you? You saw a thief today, you saw a man steal food and a gun, but what do you say to me?_

Someone smashed my hand again, breaking bone. Stars and dots flashed and blood poured into my eyes. The world spun in circles.

_"Mother, I'm sure he had a good reason. Mother, everyone must have a good reason for their actions, bad or good." Why oh why do you say such things, my little sunray? Where do you get these ideas? Listen to your mother! _

"Think he's learned his lesson?" Ross jeered.

Killik grinned. "I'll make sure his ass doesn't forget."

_There are bad men in this cruel world, and you will learn this one day._

The night sticks clattered to the floor and I was pinned on my stomach. Their touch alone set my nerves ablaze and felt like a six-inch deep stab through my battered body. Breaths seeping out like croaks, I stared at the blurred shapes moving under the lantern. I couldn't stop staring.

Seever had his back to me, his flabby thighs moving suggestively. They pumped back and forth. His back arched, his neck leaned back and his lips curled in pleasure. He jerked quicker and harder, until something - someone - in his grasp started gagging. The voice had short, angry, hiss-like sobs, forced through the nose. It was like the mouth was...full.

My eyes fixed on Levi's hand, close-fisted and eerily motionless as it fell out of Seever's gyrating lap.

"Hold still, blondie," Killik grunted as he straddled my waist and ripped at the buttons on my pants. Ross held my arms down.

I closed my eyes. As a vile hand slipped in between my legs, I inhaled sharply and gave in. I went limp, surrendering to them. My brain shut down and as it tumbled into the depths of numbness, I remembered.

Flattened on the rice-strewn floor, unable to move under the pulsing, grinding weight, I remembered where it all began.

* * *

**A/N**

**To be continued. This turned into a longer ordeal than I thought it'd be...**

**Reviews and follows much appreciated, ya'll are the best. :) ~ Sarah**


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